A Likely Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a kingdom relatively far from here, there lived a Princess. She had moved from the South to the land of ice and snow, in search of work and the hopes of finding a Prince.

This Princess was unique in her own way, and lived at the highest level of The Towers in a one bedroom apartment with her cat. Often she was confused to be a witch as most Princesses her age had already wed, but she didn't mind much, she was happy.

Her name was Lunabell, and she was a tall full figured woman with long purple hair and golden eyes. Lunabell lived in a world of magic, and like the other royals in her land had powers of her own.

She was named Lunabell because she had a light within her, she could literally light up a room. Her brightness helped lift the mood of those around her, and she enjoyed sharing her gift.

Lunabell was lonely in her new world when she first arrived, but managed to make friends with a Queen. Her name was Sheild because of her ability to protect the weak. Sheild was beautiful and had long raven hair and eyes the colour of the sea. She was married to a red headed King named Gumphry.

Lunabell enjoyed the thrill of moving to a new place, and felt comfort with her black cat Svenka by her side. She worked in the forest protecting the trees, and spent her off time reading, hiking, and having adventures with Sheild.

Lunabell missed her homeland and her family, but felt like she was right where she needed to be at this time. She loved the natural lands around her, and felt a kindred friend in Sheild.

She was happy.

One afternoon Lunabell was on her balcony painting a picture with spray colours. She looked out to the street below, and saw a silver carriage pull up in front of the Towers. Out stepped a young man who appeared to be in Princes clothing. She tried to continue on her painting, but was intrigued.

The young man looked up at Lunabell, and smiled. She felt her face blush as she smiled back, and continued on with her craft.

Days passed and Lunabell saw the carriage parked out front each day. She did not see the man again however, for some time.

The big sun began to rise in sky in the land of ice and snow, and with that turned the land into a green wonderland of spring. The spring was never long to stay, but Lunabell enjoyed a break from the cold. Lunabell was from a land that saw all four seasons, and she missed it.

On a sunny afternoon, Lunabell was out on her balcony tending to her hanging garden. Her garden was beautiful and lush, and her light helped the flowers grow fast. She knew that the garden would not make it long, but enjoyed the life around her for the time being.

Lunabell finished up watering, and heard a voice call out a friendly "hello". She looked up and across the Tower saw the young man standing on the balcony next to hers.

Shocked, she jumped and mustered a "hello" back. The gentlemen introduced himself as Jinks and said he had just moved in to the Tower. Jinks asked Lunabell about her job, and she explained her love of the outdoors. Jinks said he worked as a butcher, and with that Lunabell began to laugh.

"Let me guess" said Jinks, "you don't eat meat."

"Correct" Lunabell smiled.

The conversation was brief as Jinks said he needed to be going, and Lunabell waved goodbye as she stepped back inside her home. She felt her face flush and a smile begin to curl. She felt the butterflies for the first time in years.

Lunabell went on with her day, and followed her usual routine. She retired to the balcony in the late evening when all her chores were done, and sat outside for a pipe. It was something she did from time to time.

She enjoyed watching the smoke billow up into the night sky, and thought of her loved ones and kept a watch on the balcony next to hers. She sat but saw nothing of her neighbour, then heard a knock at her door.

Lunabell put out her pipe and went to the door. When she opened the door, there he was, standing with a bottle of wine.

"Would you care to have a drink with me?" said Jinks.

"I would enjoy that," said Lunabell, "please come in, we can sit on the balcony."

Lunabell showed Jinks into her home, and walked with him outside on to the balcony. She felt comfortable having him in her home, because her time in the wilderness had taught her to be "tough".

She also felt at ease with this man. They sat and chatted well into the night, and finished the bottle of wine. Lunabell was shining brighter than she ever had, and found good company in Jinks.

As the moon rose in the sky, Lunabell finally had to wish Jinks a good night, and shook his hand at the door. As she closed the door she leaded back against and let out a joyful sigh.

That night Lunabell dreamed of happiness. When she awoke in the morning to the sound of her cat meowing in her ear, she smiled again realizing the night before was real.

The following evening, Jinks stopped over again, this time with ale to share. This went on for a week before Lunabell realized she had neglected her friends. She immediately called on Sheild and met her in the park to catch up.

Sheild was very happy for Lunabell, and told her she deserved to be happy. Lunabell said she worried that he lived so close, but felt like maybe, she had finally found her Prince.

The spring lasted longer than seasonal, and by the time the first frost had come, Lunabell and Jinks considered themselves officially dating.

One night, Lunabell and Jinks were sitting together drinking and talking. Suddenly, Jinks started to shake violently and fell to the ground. His head arched back and his teeth grew into fangs. His hands became giant paws and fur grew rapidly all over his body. He bust out of his clothing now on all fours, turning around and looking at Lunabell.

She stood still, shocked. There was no man in the apartment with her, instead she stood looking into the eyes of a Lynx. The Lynx growled at her. She stood still.

Seconds felt like hours as she gazed upon a beast before her, until Lunabell let out as much light as she could and the growling beast climbed back onto the couch, and curled up.

Lunabell felt herself calm down, and she slowly sat down next to him. She loved all animals in the forest, and she really loved cats. She told herself it would be okay, if she swallowed her fear and loved this creature.

Lunabell started to pet the Lynx, who then purred. He eventually fell asleep, and Lunabell curled into him and followed.

As the morning sun brightened up the room, the Princess opened her eyes and looked over to see Jinks fast asleep next to her. There was no wild animal in sight.

She shook him awake, and demanded to know what happened the night before, and rambled on about how he turned into something else. He struggled to open his eyes. Jinks sat up, and stared at the floor in deep thought for a moment.

"Listen," he said "I should have told you earlier, but I didn't want to scare you off, I care for you. Sometimes, I turn into a Lynx. It is a curse my dear, but I promise you this, I will never do anything to hurt you."

Lunabell felt uneasy, but said she understood, and was glad he was able to be so honest. He reassured her that this was a rare event, and she felt better. After all, she had known him for months and had never seen this before.

The days passed, and Lunabell and Jinks continued to grow closer to each other. They began to spend a lot of time with each other, and living so close at times it was like they lived together.

Lunabell sat with Jinks on the balcony that night, and shared her magical pipe. The moon was hidden behind dark clouds that night, and just as she was about to talk about the lack of stars, Jinks shook and fell to the ground again.

He changed faster this time, and walked towards Lunabell clicking his teeth as she pressed herself against her glass balcony doors. She had no where to go. She raised her hand in the air and told him to relax, but the Lynx was in full rage.

He swatted her out of the way and she flew across her balcony smashing into her plants. He smashed through the door, and ran down the tower stairs. As Lunabell picked herself up off the ground, she saw him run off towards the woods, growling the entire time.

Lunabell curled up under the dark night sky, and for the first time in awhile, cried.

When Lunabell cried, her light flickered with each tear. She waited for Jinks to return, she sat until the sun began to rise, and crawled into bed giving in to sleep.

As she slipped off into slumber, she entered a world of dark and terrifying dreams. She was lost in the woods, but there was no colour, no leaves, no grass, no green, no life. She wandered lost calling out for her cat, unable to find her. Lunabell awoke to Svenka pawing at her face, and she rolled into her pillow only to cry again.

Lunabell forced herself out of bed, and stepped out into her hallway. She could see nothing but broken glass and wood, her belongings tossed about from the night before.

She sighed, then decided to get showered and dressed. She sat down to eat, but felt no hunger. Lunabell felt nothing but a nervous feeling, and couldn't help but wonder if he was home.

She gave in and crept down the hall to his tower door, she knocked. She heard movement inside, and soon Jinks opened the door and wished her a Good Morning.

"Good morning?" Lunabell's voice was shaking, "how can you stand there like nothing happened last night."

"I did it again, didn't I." His voice softened, "Lunabell, I love you, I am sorry I changed last night, it's my curse. I understand if you never want to see me again."

With that Jinks began to cry, and Lunabell stood in the hallway, conflicted.

"It's ok," she finally sighed, "I know you didn't mean it, but I need to show you what you did."

Jinks followed Lunabell back to her tower and listened as Lunabell retold the story of what had happened the night before.

Jinks leaned over when she finished and held her as he spoke to her ear, "I am sorry, but I love you so much dear, that I was trying to run into the woods so I wouldn't hurt you. You were standing in front of the only exit, maybe next time you should move. I love you, and I swear I will never intentionally do anything to hurt you."

"I love you too, next time, I will step aside." Lunabell whispered back, still feeling a tingle of sadness deep down.

As time passed, Jinks started to change into the Lynx more and more, and each time Lunabell would cry as he ran off into the woods. Her light glowed less and less, and Shield started to take notice.

One afternoon, Shield and Lunabell sat over lunch and talked about Jinks and his curse. Shield told Lunabell she knew that they were in love, but just kept telling her to be careful. Lunabell didn't tell her friend all the details because she didn't want her to think Jinks was a bad man.

Lunabell felt the winds change as the cold touch of winter fell over the land. Lunabell sat with Jinks one evening, chatting again as Lunabell sipped on tea her love drank ale.

Lunabell, feeling uneasy about how much he drank, decided to ask him about it, and suggest he slow down for awhile.

"You drink with me," he said as his voiced raised, "I can damn well drink as much as I want."

As he finished his sentence his body shook, and within a second, had become a full Lynx. Lunabell stepped aside giving him room to leave as she had learned to do, but this time he didn't run.

He growled at Lunabell, and lifted his giant paw into the air. With a full hard swing the Lynx knocked Lunabell clear across her kitchen, causing her to smash into the cupboards and fall to the ground.

Shocked, she was frozen on the ground as she looked up at the beast. He crawled towards her, completely over her, and leaned in to roar into her face. With that he turned around, and raced out the door.

Lunabell didn't get up to see if he had run into the woods, she curled into a ball on the floor, and sobbed. This time as she cried the light flickered and flickered until finally, it went out.

Lunabell sat in the darkness, crying.

Hours passed before she realized she was still in his place, in his kitchen, sore and motionless on a cold tile floor. She was unable to swallow her fear anymore, and it came shooting out of her and her darkness.

It came shooting out as rage. Lunabell got to her feet and began to shake. Her eyes turned from golden to brown, then from brown to black. The darkness filled her eyes covering the white, she was madness.

"Fuck him." She said to herself, "fuck him for making me feel this way. Fuck his growl and his teeth, fuck his curse and fuck the drinking he does that seems to spur it on easier. I am no fool, he has made a fool of me."

With that she stormed into his living room and began to destroy. She smashed the pictures off the wall, she frantically tossed used ale glasses left on the table out onto his balcony to smash and finally she took his large bottle of liqour, and poured it down the sink taking sips for herself along the way.

The tears had returned, burning her face like acid as they fell. They were filled with toxic rage. She slowly felt the alcohol course through her veins as she took one final gulp and dumped the final drops into the kitchen sink.

Before she could do anymore damage she heard a familiar voice at the door, she realized it had been open the entire time.

"Bell?" Shield called from the hallway of the towers, "are you in here?"

"I'm here" Lunabell called back.

Shield walked in and gazed upon her friend. "You need to get out of here, you need to stop, let's go."

Shield grabbed her friend and walked her next door, locking and closing Jinks' door on the way out. She sat her friend down and poured her a glass of water.

"What is going on?" she asked.

Lunabell whimpered softly now, eyes back to gold but bloodshot. She let it all out. She told her friend everything, all the changes she saw in her once loved Prince. She recounted the times he left her alone crying, the drinking he did, the anger he had.

She even found herself saying things she didn't realize. She told her friend about all the nasty things he would say right before he changed, about how she felt she had to tip toe around him to not set him off, how alone she felt. Isolated and alone she repeated between sobs and stories.

"I don't know who I am anymore, or when it got so horrible. There is still a lot of good, and if he would just try to help himself we could be perfect like we were." Lunabell finished her tale and put her head down.

Shield listened, told her friend she loved her and that she hated seeing her in such pain. She hugged Lunabell and told her she was there for her, no matter what.

The two friends sat together for the afternoon, until Shield had to leave. She reminded her friend of the love she had for her, and let her know she was never too far away if Lunabell needed help.

"Be safe." Shield whispered as the hugged goodbye.

Lunabell sat herself back on her couch, and waited, waited to hear him come home.

Hours passed again before the night fell and the sound of Jinks stumbling down the hallway woke a sleeping Lunabell. She had fallen asleep waiting, again.

She sat up fuzzy and heard a pounding at her down, it was him. She cracked the door open a bit and he swung it hard knocking her backwards. He made no apology and he burst through the door.

"You bitch." Jinks scowled, "you fucking bitch, where is my booze?"

"You knocked me over!" Lunabell screamed. "You don't need that booze it makes you worse."

He made no apology, in fact much to Lunabells horror, he was smiling. "You love this don't you?" He laughed, "you get to play the victim, your favourite role!"

With that, Links spit at Lunabell, told her to leave him alone and slammed her door. Within minutes she heard loud music blaring from his home and the sound of him smashing around. She knew he was drinking now and most likely he had changed.

She knew it wasn't safe to go over there, but she did anyways.

It didn't take long before Lunabell found herself in his empty place. He had taken off again, and she was tossed aside and on the kitchen floor. She couldn't remember this time if it was Jinks or Linx who had hurt her.

She could not remember the first time he growled at her, and wasn't sure when the emotional sabotage began, but she knew exactly where she was when she came to her senses and realized it was over. She was curled in a ball on the floor in the kitchen. She had run out of tears, excuses, compassion and overall care.

Lunabell was nothing but a dark shadow.

I call Left Field

 

I make jokes about being single in my thirties for the same reason I made jokes about being picked last in school for sports. It helps ease the pain and insecurity I try hard not to feel.

I look around me in my family, work and other personal relationships, and often see a sea of marrieds. When I joke about going home to my video games or my cat, part of me just really wants to make people laugh, the other a tinge of "why am I last?"

In grade school I was often picked last for sports (what cruel teacher even sets shit up this way, no wonder I hated gym). Most commonly, baseball. I can't really sprint, I can't catch, and I can't hit the ball - naturally no one wanted me on their team.

I would always do a little dance as I walked over to the team to get me by default and yell out "I call left field!" and everyone would laugh. I would then suffer through the rest of the game, thinking about how much I hate baseball.

In life now, when people ask me if I'm married or have kids, or when I see the look of pity in peoples eyes, I do the same thing. I do a dance in the form of words and make people laugh.

I'm not sure why I was ever upset in school for being picked last, I never wanted to play in the first place. When it comes to romance, perhaps I feel the same.

I think it's time to call left field again.

Unicycle

 

If life was a bicycle race, I'd be a unicycle.

There is no shame in being single, most of the time.

If your family is anything like mine, first let me say, I'm sorry (see lovable maniacs blog). Then let me also acknowledge the asshole relative you have that feels the need to ask you about your love life each and every single time you see them.

For me, it's a yearly event that kicks me in the chin, emotionally speaking. Each Christmas a certain relative of mine, asks the same question. The first Christmas he asked me, was the year I broke up with my only real long term boyfriend. I was a mere 18. I was heartbroken, as we had split days before Christmas (aka I was dumped).

I walked into the family meeting place on Christmas Eve, mopey and sad I dragged myself in behind my parents, my sister, and her boyfriend (now husband). I met my cousins girlfriends and boyfriends, my uncles new wife, and then my relative looked at me and said, "so, where's you're boyfriend?"

I looked back at the door I just came through, looked at my relative and said "he's parking the car" in a very sarcastic tone.

My family laughed, and each year without fail, I get asked the same question over and over. I give the answer each time. The sad part is, I turn 31 next month and I've yet to have an actual boyfriend at Christmas. My relationships never seem to make it.

It's ok though, one day, maybe he will be out there, parking the car. However, I seem to stick close to my other idea, the idea that, he's not coming. Ever.

Each year I say the same thing and laugh about it, in fact it's a phrase other single friends of mine have borrowed. The question however, comes with a touch of shame, a feeling that there is something wrong with me.

Then I imagine a bicycle race. People riding down the course with two wheels, racing down the road. Then suddenly, in comes a rider on a unicycle, keeping a pace, following the road. Maybe the unicycle doesn't go as fast, maybe the rider of the unicycle doesn't get a medal.

But how much do you respect that rider? The one who goes it on a single wheel?!

I imagine they would make the front page of the sports section, and people would applaud their strength and courage.

So...for those of you out there riding the unicycle every day, remember this idea. Remember, You freaking ROCK.

MOVING HANS SOLO

The greatest adventure in life, is to try it alone. Who said that? I did fuckers. When I was in my mid-twenties, I decided to peace out of this place and move 5000 km away from my friends and family.

I had some time to transition to this new world, as a friend of mine was a mere hour away. I was working at a Provincial Park and became very close to the people I lived and worked with at the park.

As the summer came to an end along with my contract, I decided to get a job in the nearby town and stick around. I was living in Northern Alberta, and I enjoyed how close the wilderness was to me.

I landed a decent job and decided to make a career of it. As the leaves started to fall and the first frost came, I found myself moving out of an almost empty park house into a new city where I knew no one.

The last of the park crew left in November, and suddenly I found myself alone, in an unfurnished apartment and wondering what the FUCK I was thinking. The first night you spend alone in such a place is surreal, much like the first night at summer camp.

You hear strange noises and you miss the comforts of your home almost instantly. In my case, I had but a futon mattress, dishes and clothing and a mini portable dvd player, that is all. I felt as if I was in complete isolation.

I passed my time by watching every available season of The Simpson's and having strange dance parties alone in my kitchen. The first little while was indeed tough to handle. I felt like I was talking to myself way to much and going crazy without the feel of someone else's touch, even if just a hug.

The reason I felt the need to write about this time in my life, is because I was asked by a friend if I had any tips for moving to a new city alone. It brought me back, and I have thought upon some tips I learned along the way.

TIPS FOR MOVING ALONE

GET A HAIRCUT - AND GET A REAL JOB

Getting a job is what kept me in this new area. I was working at a Women's Shelter which meant I was working somewhere I wanted too. I found that important, but I understand not always possible.

Whether it's school, a placement, a minimum wage job or the career of your dreams, get out there and be a part of something full time. This will keep you busy, and around people.

Not only will this deal give you less time to thing about being alone, you will meet people and get more connected to this strange new place.

FIND PUBLIC PLACES TO HANG OUT

If you decide to hide in your dwelling feeling sad for yourself you will be miserable. Find places to go where you will be around other people to avoid crying constantly, or worse, crasturbating because you just can't stop (crying that is).


I always found grocery shopping to be comforting, so I would buy less and go twice a week. There was always lots of interesting people shopping, and I could exchange pleasantries with the cashier. I recommend this, the conversation has no awkward ending because your shit is packed and it's time to go - perfect because you leave feeling fulfilled.

Also works - parks, the library, a pub, the movies, and an active downtown area.

Even if you can't be with people out in these places, doesn't mean it's not nice to be around them. Besides, you've moved to a new place, go check shit out.

MAKE "FOR NOW" FRIENDS

I am not normally one to encourage lowering your standards, but here's the deal, if you meet someone you maybe wouldn't normally hang around with but they seem to want to...go with it.


So what if they are known as the town bicycle, they have a birthmark that makes them look like Hitler or they have an odd obsession with cheese. You can look past these things for now.

It's someone to hang out with and show you around, load up on that shit, just remember not to share to much personal information, and for goodness sake do not apply this rule to dating.

My "for now" friend was a little on the mentally and emotionally unstable side, but for the first bit she made for a great person to hit the bars with (yes, drinking helps with being on your own, but only when you are with at least one other person you "know"). 

PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE - THE FRIEND DATE

How to ask out a potential friend without seeming like you are asking them on a date. Extremely tough if they are either gender (especially when you are confused as a lesbian as often as I am).


This is a tough one, cause let's face it sometimes people get the wrong idea, especially if you ask them out to dinner. My suggestion leads back to the first tip, which is getting a something to do full time.

After the thing that you do, ie work, ask this person if they want to catch a drink or a coffee. Make sure it's not someone you find sexually attractive, as it's just not a good idea to date right away.

The friend date can lead to wonderful things, or a for now friend. Either way, it's an outing you can hopefully enjoy and tell the folks back home about.

SEE THE LOCAL ATTRACTIONS

I don't care if it's the giant beaver attraction in the next town over, go see that shit. While there, take a picture and put it on facebook. You will enjoy showing off where you are, and knowing what people back home think about it.

Secretly, you will also make them jealous. Guess why? They are stuck in the same old place doing the same old thing, which will lose it's comfort when they see the adventure you are having.

So be sure to have 'em. 

LEARN ABOUT YOURSELF - FIND SOME HOBBIES 

Being isolated at times, meant I had time to really think about how I wanted to fill my time. I discovered things I didn't know about myself.


When I was in grade school, I didn't like art. My shit never looked like what it was suppose to and often times I ended up just accidentally gluing shit to myself and loosing points on my overall self esteem.

When I moved alone, and had oodles of time to myself, I started to paint. I was really bored one afternoon and found myself at the dollar store buying random art supplies.

Now, I love to paint. It helps me relax, I enjoy the ideas I can splash on a canvas and it has provided full decoration for my current apartment.

Find what makes you tip, you now officially have the time. 

GET YOURSELF A COMPANION 

For me, this meant flying back from my Christmas vacation with my cat. Once I had her in my life, I felt better. When I came home from work I was greeted with prrs and love, and I could tell at least someone about my day (yeah, it probably looked a little fucked).


Pets provide love, give you a time filler and make being on your own less lonely. If you have no pet option (remember, fish count) then I suggest a plant. Something you can take care of, and give love too.

I had a plant before my cat came to live with me, and his name was Mario.

COME HOME WITH STORIES TO TELL

Don't be a shit head and spend all of your time at work or at home with your six cats, make sure you get out there and do some silly shit. The benefit of moving to a new area alone, is NO ONE KNOWS YOU.

You can suddenly get away with things you just didn't feel comfortable doing in your home town/city/etc. Nobody is going to tell your parents they saw you in the Legalize IT march, you will not run into your ex boyfriend and his wife and kid, and you can get away with smoking in public without the fear of your grandmother catching you (yes this applies even when you are 30).

You can experiment with who you want to be, whether it's to dye your hair bright purple, make out with people at the bar or feel out wearing hammer pants in public. It's a beautiful change to just be you, after all you don't know these people so who gives a fuck.

MEET THE BEST FRIEND YOU EVER COULD

I will sum it up with this last section here. There was a moment when I felt like I was going to be ok, and then there was a later moment when I knew it would be hard to ever leave.


The first moment had an unfortunate start. I had been officially alone in a new city for a month and without any new additions to my apartment, I was feeling very alone. To make matters worse, I came down with a horrible stomach flu.

The degree of this stomach flu was epic, and it pained me to call in to my new job sick, but I had no choice. Before I called, I called my mom, and sobbed to her on the phone about how awful I felt and how lonely I was.

My mom told me after that she almost flew out to be with me, but something changed. I called into work to tell them I was ill, and a placement student answered the phone. I really enjoyed what I knew of her, but she was new in my life.

I started to cry, I couldn't help it. Being sick when alone like that is almost unbearable, and I broke. I told her through sobs that I was very sick and I wouldn't be at work.

She asked me if I needed anything. I paused for a moment, and said, "really?"

I could hear her smile through the phone and she asked if I wanted some ginger ale, and I told her yes. I lived a one minute walk from the shelter (Living close to a your full time gig is a good call at first as well, makes it easy to get comfortable in a new place). She was at my door within twenty minutes, and I greeted her in the front hallway of my apartment building.

I thanked her for coming by, and could feel tears rising again as I stood in front of this almost stranger in my pjs. She looked at me, and said "I moved here alone as well. I know what it's like. If you ever need anything or feel alone, there is a place just down the street full of people who can help."

It lifted a weight off of me I cannot describe. I suddenly felt like I wasn't alone anymore, and I could do it. This moment will come, but you have to give it time.

The moment I knew I would never want to leave, was the night I did a night shift at work with a staff I hadn't worked with yet. I was a bit nervous, as on a night shift it's just you and that other staff.

If they suck balls, your night sucks balls. Within the first twenty minutes of meeting her, I decided she was going to be my new best friend. It was the meeting of a kindred.

We instantly clicked and by the middle of the night were crying from laughter. As the sun came up and I walked home from work that morning, I knew I was going to be at home soon enough.

This amazing woman turned out to be my best in the west. Our friendship is like two kids playing happily in a sandbox (one where both of us have peed and neither cares).

She is a friend I will now have forever, who ended up making my time out there incredible. She is also the friend that asked me for tips, so I wrote a blog.

Although I eventually moved home and had to hug her farewell, she is still with me everyday. She is in my heart and in my mind, and not a day goes by where I don't at least think of her.

This blog is for you Lloyd, so basically the best tip I have is to find a similar me, in your new city. I love you, and I love you so much, that if this new "me" is closer to you or better in any way, I will kill her.

Then assume her identity. Unless it means loosing weight.

I love you, thanks for making my years in Hickton glorious, and good luck in your new adventures. 

LB Plus None

Wedding invitations, fuck em. Guess what soon to be and current marrieds - as singles - we hate getting this shit in the mail. In the time of email and texting it's rare to get a letter addressed to you, and true, when you pull that shit out of the mailbox you are stoked.

That is, until you see the front. The part where it says "Your Name plus Guest." Fucking guest right? You can already feel your brain searching for a potential date, and no one comes to mind. It's maddening, and it makes you feel like a lonely piece of crap (no matter how full your life seems).

I always had a back up for weddings, a friend of mine I have known for years who has been my constant date. He's perfect for it. He's a great friend of mine, we laugh together, he dances, and he knows my entire family since he's essentially a part of it (long time family friends). I will say that I never experienced too much anxiety because I knew I was single, but covered.

I could save the sad choke back of lonely tears for the wedding ceremony alone and I would be good otherwise. Things changed, the day I got his wedding invitation in the mail.

The wedding invitation, was not sent to my apartment, despite the fact that I moved out almost a decade ago. The wedding invitation did not have a plus guest, in fact the invitation was addressed to my parents plus me.

That's right folks, I am the plus one, and I have plus none.

The sad part of it, is that this now meant the last TWO weddings I've been invited to (in a list of many) there was no plus one. Prior to this my friends sent me an invitation for a wedding out of town for just me.

I guess I am so chronically fucking single the people in my life don't even bother to place a date option for me. I am the poster woman for dateless. I am the embodiment of Bridget Jones, and here I stand, alone, just like the cheese.

I was unable to make the first dateless invite, but indeed I attended the wedding of my long time wedding date.

My father was ill that day, and so my mother let me know not to worry, she would be my date. So now I've gone from plus one status to backup plan or pity date, fuckin eh.

We were not seated together and within the first ten minutes I found myself standing alone in a wedding hall full of couples. Couples and me. Just like the invite. 

I am not sure if you have ever experienced the feeling of complete loneliness, but at that particular moment, I felt it, and I felt it deep. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes, I could feel my throat closing in and was sure my nose was already red in anticipation.

I stood there, motionless in my party dress and high heels, completely alone. That's when I saw him, across the room. He was there, on his own, and now was my chance.

I walked as fast as I could in shoes I never wear, and found myself face to face with him in the back corner of the hall.

With no hesitation, it came out so easy. "I'll have a white wine, and can you just fill that shit up to the top so I don't have to come back as much?"

He smiled.

From then on, my night was great. So thank you, to the bartender, who didn't judge my binge drinking to escape my sadness.

Yearly Check Up

 

Fucking shit. Nothing worse than realizing your time is up, and it's time to get personally checked under the hood again. Why on earth would I write about going to see the gyno? Because I had a rather grand visit there recently, that's why.

I can be an anxious person at times, but nothing sends me into a spin more than hitting up this exam. Every year this visit becomes more and more painful, and I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally.

I do not own a scale of any kind (not even for cooking, because I'm not that precise). I don't weigh myself because my clothing tells me enough, and I feel it's just not healthy for me, as I can obsess.

So what's the first thing I get to do upon arrival (after waiting an hour surrounded by pregnant women and small children), I step on the scale. The scale being in the hallway next to the waiting room for all to see. I know they can't fully see the number, I just don't need an audience. It's like having someone at a carnival guess your weight, no one over sixteen picks that option. Eventually we all opt to have them guess our birthday.

At this office, although it sounds like a carnival with all the kids running around,  I step on, the audience is present, but there is no chance of a prize, bullshit. The least they could do is fancy a guess and toss some condoms or pamphlets my way.

After the pain of seeing a number I didn't want to see flash up on the scale, I walked my way down to the room to await doctor claw. I can feel myself fighting tears, and I try to pass it off as allergies when he finally enters the room.

I sit across from him, and he pulls out my sheet. The conversation goes like this:

DOC: How old are you now?
ME: Thirty
DOC: Married? Do you have a husband?
ME: No
DOC: Any children?
ME: Nope
DOC: Any pregnancies?
ME: No
DOC: Sexually active?
ME: Do I count as a partner?

Or maybe I just said NO and slumped further into my chair looking at my life and wondering if I'll be alone forever.

He proceeded with the medical questions and once he finished and scolded me for smoking, handed me the teeny tiny gown and excused himself. I hate getting into that shit, it's bad enough I suffered through a weigh in and questions that make me depressed, I now get to attempt to get myself into what appears to be a child's apron.

I await the return, and stand awkwardly to conceal my nudity which feels like it's popping out from all sides. The doctor returns with a young woman. He introduces her as a med student, and before he can go on I know what he's about to ask me.

I am all for training. Everyone starts new, and has to practice. But why must they all practice on me? A bad haircut I can get over, a bad exam in my under region, no thank you.

Alas, I say yes and now have an audience of two staring into my vagina. She doesn't even introduce herself and in goes that fucking tool I hate. I call it the claw, even though I am aware of it's true name. She fucks up, and has to do it again.

She fucks up again, and ends up doing it twice more before the doctor steps in. I felt like I should ask to go out for a smoke, because four pokes is short but it's the most action....you know where I'm going with this...

Four times. If you go to get blood taken and they fuck up twice, that's it. This should be an overall rule for anything. To top off my visit, as the doctor has his hands in me and I am staring at the ceiling waiting for it to end (insert married joke here); he looks down at me, and starts asking about my life out west and my new job.

What the fuck?! He wishes me well when all is said and done, and out the room my audience goes, leaving me in a gown, sitting on a table feeling low. Did I want to cry? Yes. Did I wait to do so in the privacy of my car? Yes.

Nothing hotter than a single thirty year old woman driving down the road crying. Did I then get into a Hank Williams frame of mind and start thinking I am so lonesome I could cry? Yes, I did. Then, I did something I've slowly learned to do....

I got over it. I got over it with a trip to see my mom, a swim in her pool, a nice cold beer and a good old fashion hangout with my friend. If I was married with kids, I may not have taken his questioning so harshly, but if I was married with kids, I wouldn't have the freedom to do all those things in a day. 

FIRST DATE F#$K UPS

 

Did he just fart? Did he seriously just let out a silent bomb in the car, and say nothing, as though I would not notice? Can he not smell that? Is he hard of smelling? Does he expect me to think it wasn't him, meaning that it must have been me? It was a first date fart that I could have done without. 

I haven't been on a good date in a long while. In fact, I haven't been on a date period in a long ass time, years even. I am not sure what a successful date looks or feels like, it's simply been to long. I can't provide any advice on the how to's of dating, so instead I am going to try something different.

These are not ideas I have simply plucked out of my head, they are indeed things I have witnessed, done or heard about that have happened on dates. Here is my list, of DO NOT DO'S.

DON'T

Fart, as mentioned prior. If you feel a fart brewing on a first date, I suggest you figure out an exit strategy. Either relieve yourself for a moment, hold that shit tight if you can't, and if you have no choice but to let er rip, admit it after the fact.

I dated a guy who ripped a wicked foul silent mushroom cloud in his fancy leather interior car and say nothing about it. He didn't even roll down the window, he just went on as though it never happened.

I could sense his panic, and I could taste his fart.

Just don't do it.
  
DON'T

 Show up in track pants. I love track pants as much as the next gal, they are easy access after all....but on a first date - what the fuck are you thinking?! No one should have any reason for this, none.

Is it laundry day? I am sure you knew you had a date, giving you time to launder a pair of non track pants. Did you just play some form of sport or work out? Then why the heck didn't you shower and change after, it's a first date shit for brains. Are track pants the only pants you own? I am not materialistic, but come on!

No - good - reason.

I've dated this guy also, and what's worse, he didn't just wear track pants....

.....he tucked his shirt into them.

No, I didn't have sex with him.

DON'T

Get shit faced. No brainer right? Wrong. I am a smart lady, and I just got a bit carried away with the pints of brew...and forgot the fact I don't drink all that much. 

Is a drunk rambling chain smoking lass a good catch? Apparently not.

There was no date number two...I totally get why. I should have mixed in some water, ate more for dinner, or skipped the whole thing altogether, because even now I cringe at the thought of the hot mess I must have been (just, less hot and more pukey).

Don't get piss tanked, not on the first date.

Also, don't get wasted a few months later celebrating St.Patty's Day and run into the guy, then rant about how he didn't call you while spilling your beer and slurring your words.

BEER - TWO L.B. - ZERO.

DON'T

Destroy the restaurant. Try to keep the dishes in tack and on the table, along with the table cloth. My mother (yes, she dated once) went out to a nice Italian restaurant with a young suitor.

It happens, and it's not a full don't, but his fly was down. When informed of this, he was quick to the draw, a little to quick. No he didn't zip his member into the pants al la Something About Mary, instead, he zipped in the table cloth.

What's worse, he didn't notice. Mid meal he excused himself to the washroom, and upon getting up and walking took the contents of the table with him.

This young man, is not my father.

DON'T 

Talk about your ex. While on this topic, please don't also talk about how amazing she was, how much you miss her, and how great she looked. Please don't go on to mention her awesome rack, while showing a picture of a bare chested ex-girlfriend on your phone.

I never thought I would have to make a request to not do this, but he did it.

She did have nice boobs, I will admit to that.

DON'T

Show up, if you are anything less that what I am looking for in a partner. Why? I simply don't have the time anymore.