Single Female finds the Fish Plenty, but Rotten

It all starts with me spending quality time on my couch watching television and cuddling with my cat. It's my special time of the month, and all I want to do is eat and occasionally cry for no reason. I'm trying to zen out and another one of those damn commercials flashes on my screen.

Did you know that one in five relationships now start online? No shit. It's another website for singles to connect with other singles in an attempt to meet that "one". The commercial causes me to flash back to a time when I thought that this shit was possible.

I can tell you, that the people compiling these advertisements and sites have clearly not spent enough time accessing them, as they have no bloody clue what it's really like.

First off, what's with the people they use to show what a first meeting looks like. Where do they find these people? Did they send them to Extreme Makeover first that included a wardrobe overhaul and teeth whitening?

No one I have ever met off any site has looked remotely close to anyone who I've seen on TV, in fact let's be honest, you are lucky if the guy shows up showered or sober most attempts.

The date these people are on is also absolute shite. The couple sits happily at a table, laughing and talking in their nicest business casual attire while sipping wine. The restaurant is high class, and after dinner it pans to them doing activities I would expect out of a romantic comedy, not real life.

The final part of the commercial shows couples who met on said site, the date they contacted and clips of them sharing how happy they now are because they found someone. The person they found always seems to be the same colour and size, and they are usually wearing outfits that match.

I am just doubtful these people even exist. These sites, whether free all the time or tossing free weekends at you, are all the same. In fact, you are likely to find the same people on more that one if your looking.

Common decency was lacking from most messages I received no matter which site I used. The one that claims to have plenty of singles is the worst, the plenty of fish they have are the ones left at the bottom of the ocean.

No one is swimming in the dating pool, we are wading. Why is that my friends? The dating pool is shallow. These sites do not offer anything worth a wade. Every time you check in to these sites to see who's found you, you get a gaggle of messages that are enough to make you consider a switch to the other team.

I know that women are still objectified to a horrid degree in this world, and still I was consistently disturbed with how I was spoken to in messaging. When you log in and see that you have pending messages, there is a moment of excitement, until of course, you open these messages.

Sometimes they would simply say "HI", as though this is going to somehow catch my attention. Often, the message would say something about my picture (cute smile, nice whatever) then follow with a request to see more pics, nude ones.

These potential suitors don't even bother to use proper English most of the time, and so the message is written as "Hey QT got nude pix? send me sum". What a romantic how you met story for the future in-laws.

If they didn't ask for nude pics right away, they eventually did. If they were trying to convince me they were respectful of women, they would instead ask me for a "body shot". Apparently a picture of my shoulders up is not acceptable.

No matter how they try and deny it, they want to know if I am of tiny waist. They want to make sure I'm not a "fatty" and most likely have a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt kicking around somewhere.

You know what affects more women in Canada than breast cancer? Eating disorders, gee I wonder why we worry.

The men who were asking too see all of me might I add, often looked about three months pregnant with a receding hairline but had they been decent, I would have not cared to notice. 

The dates I was offered were never for a romantic dinner, in fact not even for a simple coffee date for the most part. Common date request (when I've not even met the person) is to go over to their place and watch a movie.

Yeah that sounds safe. Shall I take my pants off when I walk in or wait five minutes? What happened to the days of the bar when people would at least fake small talk and get drunk before asking such a silly thing.

I was asked more times than I care to count if I was good at performing a certain act (rhymes with flowie) and if I had ever thought about having a threesome with another girl. Worse still, the threesome question was often formulated in a question that would include a friend.

Example: 

Me - I can't do a coffee date tomorrow I am having a girlfriend over for coffee, how about the day after? 

HotGuy4U29 - She hot? Wanna do a threesome hahaha lol jk.....maybe 

Sigh, fuckers.

Once you wade through all that shit, you get to the few people you could actually maybe agree to meet, and holy goodness, they want to get a coffee. This is when I would get a bit more excited, get a good shower on and wear my cleanest of clothes.

Nearing the end of my online dating days I stopped wondering if I would hit it off with a date and started to wonder what version of the online person was now going to show up (if at all). When meeting these people, it's not like the commercial.

The commercials should show dates showing up stoned or half drunk, wearing sweat pants and talking about their last girlfriend who broke their heart or was a total psycho. Because that's the shit I've seen walk through the door.

Not only were most of them nothing like the picture they put up, they were also about a full foot shorter than they said. If the guy checked off non-smoker, fuck that shit, he's smoking like it's 1955. Said he'd never date someone who did drugs, and you're getting high off the fumes from his jacket.

It's all the same, a big fucking let down, and again, that's if he shows (nearing the end for me it was usually me not showing up, because something better came up, like Coronation Street was on).

Dating websites are not a place to find Mr Right. They are an online place for people to meet friends with benefits or one night stands. Every profile I checked after getting a raunchy first email would almost always have "Looking for a serious relationship" as their looking for field. Fuck - right - off!

Dating sites offer a bunch of d-bags, some of whom aren't even single. I really loved getting the "hey sweetie im looking for something discreet" messages. I would always respond, with a lashing and recommendation they seek the site for people who are married to have affairs.

It is insanity trying to find love on these sites. They are to dating what infomercials are to shopping. Attempting these sites you will not find love, maybe just get some sweet sweet chlamydia.

 I gave up on the prospect and stopped buying into the idea that just maybe I was going to be the lucky one who stumbled upon that guy. The one who has given up on the bar scene and is looking for long term.

He doesn't exist. He says that's what he wants, but here's the deal. That same guy is on five other sites and has been at it for ten years, FYI. There's also a reason he's still single.

Forget dating sites, and take the commercials advice. Four out of five relationships don't start online. 

Story Time with Balls

The sweet taste of having wonderful friends is what makes my life of singletude completely bearable. My friend, we will call her Balls (at least that's what she's in my phone under) is an effervescent lady who delights me with her childhood stories. Like me, she has lived through some horrifically embarrassing moments, and to be able to sit down and share them, makes for good times.

The other night, we were discussing certain items we had dropped over the years. I started by telling her about my ballet days. As a child, I was round like Garfield, perhaps a side effect of watching him on Saturday mornings. My mother had to literally hold on to my leotard, and I would jump up and down to simply get into the damn things.

I am not sure how then, during a concert while dancing around in a circle to some bullshit peter pan music, my tutu fell down. I almost stepped out of the damn thing, but made a fast pull up and kept on going. Perhaps my round middle pushed the item of clothing in a downward motion, otherwise I am not sure how this occurred.

Balls fired back by telling me of a time when she danced as well. Grade eight brought her to the stage, and in her time to shine she had a major shoe malfunction. I've had these as well, I am sure you have too. It's when the tip of your shoe gets caught in something, a wood panel, the sidewalk, your other foot, causing you to do a silly skip forward.

When holding on to something, it occasionally causes you to drop that item. In the middle of a chorus of students waving their tambourines in the air, she did a trip, slip and drop. The tambourine went down, but her spirits did not. We are kindreds you see, as I pulled up my tutu and went on, she simply waved her hands along side her stage mates, in an attempt to either act like nothing happened, or to at least value that the show must go on.

The conversation rolled from there, and brought me to an unfortunate even in the hallway when I was in grade eight. When you are female, it is terribly embarrassing to admit to anyone that you have your period. It's something you try and pretend does not exist in any capacity.

It was a winter day and I was at my locker happy to be at the end of the school day. I grabbed my winter jacket out of my locker and threw it on over my head (recall the style in the 90s included pull over short jackets riddled with florescent shapes). I went on with my routine of collecting all my items while trying not to let all the garbage in my locker fall out, when a very shy classmate turned to me.

His face was beat red and he said, "um, I think you dropped something."

I looked down and in horror saw it sitting there in the hallway of the Public School I attended. It was a pink kotex pad, and it lay there laughing at me. I did what any 13 year old would do in a situation like this, I said immediately, "that's not mine."

He looked away asking nothing more, but he knew. He saw it fly out of my front pocket and land on the ground. To make matters worse, the janitor came by with his big broom, and pushed that pad all the way down the hall. I left school in a hurry that day.

Balls came back at me, with what is now my favourite of her stories. She recalled a moment in the hallway at school, high school. It was grade 11 and she was also prepping for the end of the school day. High school hallways are scary as fuck, even walking through them as an adult I can still feel a tingle of insecurity. Every move you make in that hallway is calculated as a teenager, most of us just trying to blend in.

Balls was collecting her items, and was jolted by a loud smashing sound as a juice bottle crashed onto the hard cold floor next to her. Being concerned she reacted by calling out to the other students down the hall, "Somebody dropped their juice!"

She then turned to look at the damaged beverage on the ground and realized, it was her juice. She did it, she is that somebody. And she just yelled down the hall to alert everyone.

Adding to her original question she informed her classmates that it was indeed hers, and to never mind. I pictured this story from her angle, and after catching my breath from laughter, I pictured it to anyone else standing in that hallway looking at her.

What you would see, is a young girl drop her juice (I am assuming fruitopia) and yell out asking who done it. She done it. Then the look on her face once realizing, that indeed, she dropped the juice. I think that's a good lesson on life, perhaps if I could relive my pad incident, I would own up to that shit the way she did.

Story time with Balls is always a fun affair, as long as no one drops their juice.