HEY FACEBOOK IM KNOCKED UP!

It's baby making season in my world, and I need to vent about something most annoying. The stream of posts I keep locating in my news feed on FB, to the theme of - HEY ALL I AM HAVING A BABY!

Today, my mom stopped over to visit me and bring me more chicken soup as I have been fighting the flu for a few weeks now.

We sat and visited for a bit, I thanked her a million times, and told her how wonderful it is to have such a loving mother who still takes care of me when I need her. She has been all over the city this past month taking care of me, my sister and her baby, and now my father.

Last night, she said she was frustrated to an extreme. She said she is tired, and had to take out the garbage because my dad is so sick. She sat with me today, and said she can really understand how hard it must be to be single, especially when sick, because no matter what you have to do it all on your own.

I felt validated. It was nice to hear someone say it, because often times I feel like no one gets it. After my mom left, I had her amazing home made soup and followed it up with a nap (I think I have been napping since Christmas).

When I awoke, I got up and decided to check my computer, and sit up for a little while. When I logged on to facebook, there it was, another baby announcement. The post to tell all your friends, you got knocked up and in X amount of months you are planning to bring life into the world, let's all dance and celebrate.

OK, it's exciting, I am happy for all of those who are expecting and what not. Here is my major irritation today, the way she announced it, was by using this quote "You will never understand the love of a mother, until you are a mother yourself."

Fuck, right, off. So let me get this straight, if you are a man, or a woman without children (that may be choice or biological restrictions) you simply can NOT understand the love of your mother.

Today when my mom brought over soup, and I thanked her lovingly, I was apparently unable to show how much I got her love, because I haven't been blessed my own children. This is what I am to believe? That I could not possibly have figured out to this day how much my mom loves me? I think, if you have a good mom, you understand what a mothers love is all about.

Another problem I have with these posts, often times they are put out there WAY to early. I am glad you peed on a stick five minutes ago and hopefully you washed your hands before logging on to your laptop to tell the world about it, but what happens if its false? What happens if you don't carry this to term?

It's a miracle, one you may want to share openly with your close friends and family, but when your friends list totals more than 100 people, I am sorry, some of us just don't need to know the news yet.

I think having children is probably all it's made to be, and that's good for you. But do me a favour and stop making it out to be this gigantic TO DO in life that if you don't do well, you will be heartless and loveless and lonely.

 All you did was have sex, lots of people have sex, the people I admire more are the ones who have done it FOR YEARS and haven't disrupted the already overpopulated world by making a baby.

When Beyonce came out on stage and showed off her new belly, as if to say "look at how glorious I am world I am with child", most people rolled their eyes and said "people do it everyday, you are no one special." Well guess what, neither are you. 

V Day

It's coming, so I guess it just makes sense that I rant about that upcoming "holiday" that occurs somewhere between February 13th and February 15th. I don't celebrate it, I don't think it's a valid holiday, and every year I roll my eyes and look the other way when it returns.

In grade school, I loved (deep breath) Valentine's Day. It was a time to exchange cards, receive hugs from my parents, and eat chocolates. My school had a bake sale each year and my mother and I would make chocolate suckers, it was a shit load of fun.

As I grew into puberty, the end of grade school promised something more, a dance. A Valentine's dance, which brought with it the glorious dream that I would finally dance with my crush and have my first kiss. I was let down, abruptly.

I've been let down ever since.  When it came to dances, although I did rock the mosh pit I otherwise stood against the wall, watching other couples dance. Now, fast forward to present day and I watch other couples enjoy dinner, attend movies, get married or engaged and other such insanity if I even DARE step out the door on said day.

I can't even go out for dinner with a friend, because we will be seated among a sea of kissy faced assholes sharing the only offered "for two" meal that night. The restaurant business excludes me specifically that night, it's offensive.

What do I do when I find myself single on Valentine's Day? The same thing I do when I'm in a relationship, I spend time with my closest friends and consume beverages of the bubbly variety.

It's a protest that started about a decade ago, when I had been let down enough (only took a mere 7 years) to know that it was all crap. Hype, created to get those "in love" to buy crap to tell that person they feel said way. I don't see why people can't just say it, but what do I know?

So I saw it for a commercial holiday for suckers, which excluded certain lifestyle choices and said - F THAT. The first few years was easy, I had a ton of single friends from University who were on the "never get married" train (most are now indeed married) and we hit the town, never to mention the "day".

A few years into it, I found myself drunk and downtown New Orleans wandering with other single travelers. We passed a man selling roses who was shouting out "Valentine's Day is for the Ladies". He repeated it so much, it stuck with me, and that is my new ideal.

It is for the ladies, if you think about the traditional way we look at it (and by that I am picturing Ned Flanders singing to his wife). It's all seemingly about getting us diamonds, roses, chocolates, etc. It IS for the ladies.

If it's for the ladies, then why do I need a man? I make the day about spending time with friends (the group has dwindled), where we make dinner, drink wine, and sit around being, well, fabulous. Yeah, surprise, we are JUST like in sex and the city,....note sarcasm.


I don't need a day to tell me I'm alone and I should be with someone sharing woo, and neither do any of you. For those of you who are single and fear this day each year with the thought of another night in, alone with a bag of lays and a shitty romantic comedy, STOP.

Call your friends, and if they are all out being gross, find a better movie with no romance what so ever, enjoy the lays, and pat yourself on the back for missing out on an overpriced meal at a restaurant crammed with other people and cheap decorations.

That, and make sure you have lots of wine, and a cat. Stay Single My Friends.

NOTE: If ever in a relationship I truly have not celebrated this "holiday", and every guy I have dated has seemed to appreciate that.

Here He Is

Surviving Solo - A Singles Guide to the Doctor

It's important to know how to be healthy as a singleton. If you suffer from Spintstosis (chronic singledom) like I do, you know that it is indeed important to keep an eye on all areas of health. It's tough to do, because you have not the live in partner required to assist you with certain things. When you get ill, you are aware you are "alone."

When you were little, and you got sick, (if you were lucky like I was) your parent/guardian would immediately call the doctor, make an appointment, drive there, hold your hand and remember your health card, get your medication (and it didn't cost you a thing) then take you home.

When you are single and you wake up not well, it's a battle. If you have to work that day, it's an even bigger task. If for example, you wake up with no voice, how are you going to call in sick? (they will get weirded out if you keep calling and saying nothing, you may end up with police at your door).

If you are shitting yourself silly and are in need of medication or at least ginger ale, you have to risk that ride to the store alone with the constant threat that you may shit your pants (note: should this happen to you, drop everything, and leave the store, do not attempt to complete your mission, ABORT ABORT).

There is also the task of having no one to bring you anything. I complain and moan and the cat just looks at me like I'm insane, No one to at least heat up some freakin cup o soup for you or bring you crackers. I know, boo hoo, people with kids etc. I am not here to complain, I am here to offer my support.

I may be thirty, but today, my retired father drove me to the clinic to the doctor after my mom called in to work for me as I indeed had lost my voice. So the solution to the sick and alone problem: Know your supports. 

It doesn't have to be a parent (although I did laugh when my father sarcastically said "Would you like me to come in with you?" after I got called, actually I may reconsider this choice next time). It can be a friend or co-worker. It's always good to know someone's cell from work so you can text in a case of no voice.

In a case of stomach flu anything, find someone you love, and who loves you no matter what state they see or hear you in. Friends are good for this, bonus if you held their hair back in college while they tossed up two dollar drafts (in the case where this was YOU, then your friend should be use to it by now).

Aside from knowing your supports, prepare for illness in your humble single person dwelling. This means, stock up on goods. Head down to your local shop of the pharmacy available kind, and grab a bunch of stuff. Get it all, I don't care if you don't have herpes now, you might tomorrow. Of course by that I meant, pick up cough/cold/flu medication, halls, pain relief, a stocked first aid kit, ointments (just grab one of each) and don't forget the ginger ale. If you need it, you'll want it flat anyways.

Think outside the box when shopping for these items as well, aka don't forget the duct tape. Also make sure you are specific to your own needs, for example I tend to fall down a lot, so I keep ice packs and tensor bandages in excess amount (that and I always toss in some extra cat food, your welcome cat). 

You may want to consider stocking your freezer with popsicles as well, if you get them in the early fall right between popsicle season and flu season, you almost forget they are stuffed all the way back there behind uneaten leftovers. When you get sick, your brain is hopefully trained from childhood to want them, and you will recall the one's you already have. It's almost like someone else got them for you, classic!

The last and most important thing you can do when single and sick, is rest. The benefit of single kicks in here full force. Since you are alone, no one else is sick, and if no one else is sick you don't have to look after them. If no one else is ill there is no way for you to catch it again once it's ripped through the family.

When your single, you can lay down, toss on the price is right, enjoy some popsicle or ginger ale action and rest easy.

For more information on Spinstosis consult your local library.

Stigmas about Singles

Congrats if you are over thirty and single, you have made it this far! You have not settled for the wrong partner, you've avoided the doom that is sealed when you say "I do" long before know who you are, you are my hero.

I am my hero too I guess. We are a growing breed of individuals, that for whatever reasons we each hold, have chosen to wander through life (even if just at the moment) hans solo. 

I hold nothing against the married populous, good for them. I am just tired of the stigma that I get stuck with because I am thirty, single, and childless. So here is my rant, know that I am not a hateful person, I just like to write and rant.

The assumption for single females, is we are all Bridget Jone's types, wandering around and sleeping with the wrong men, crying alone in our one bedroom apartments while we cuddle with the cat...(ok I HAVE done this, but it's merely because I was sad about something legit and my cat is my companion, and I like it that way) and that we stay out on weekends "hitting the club" (I hit up a hiking club on weekends when the weather is nice, but the last time I did a jello shot and hit the DJ booth was at the last wedding/stag and doe I attended).

The idea that we are romance challenged, and that deep down we harbour some resentment for the people around us who are married and with kids is another stereotype I don't like. Some people, don't want to get married and have kids, so I know those people feel no resentment. For those who at times may look at the life of marrieds and feel some self pity because they are "alone", I am sure it happens the same amount of times a couple feels like they wish they had their own space and time.

I am in no way, full of resentment for these people, especially when it's 2am and the only reason I am up is to beat whatever first person shooter I am dialing on PS3 and not because my spouse is snoring or my baby is crying. I feel the same way about coming home after a long day of work, and tossing my lean cuisine into the microwave because I don't feel like cooking a well balanced meal.

This brings me to that other annoying idea, that we are people who have chosen not to grow up (and no mention of the video games, I know LOTS of marrieds who spend time dialing up this action). I am thirty, and I have had a good lot of life experience (but know I am always learning and growing) and I am a mature adult.

I pay bills, change the oil in my car, buy the groceries, clean the house and take care of any other life thing that requires my attention. I am fully functional, and I do it on my own. I am proud of this factor, so please don't take it away from me that saying I haven't grown up because I haven't "settled down."

There is the thought also, that we are ALONE. I was told one year at my job that I should work Christmas since I had no family like the other workers (I know what she meant was husband plus kids, but she said no family). Did I simply pop out of the sky and fall down here from the heavens? (I would like to think so, but I was born of two people I call my parents). These "parents" of mine are my family, and this family includes a sister, brother in law, a nephew and a list of other relatives I consider close and FAMILY.

It's not that I mind working holidays like this so people with young children can play Santa and all that, but guess what, I like to have a bit of time with my family too, so please remember that I have one.

I am not ALONE outside of family either, I have friends too. I have a special group of friends who are around my age and single as well, not because I am elitist, but because they get it. If I have had a bad day, I don't pout at having no one to talk to when I get home, I call a friend.

These supper amazing single friends I have, will drop what they are doing to make time for me, and I do the same for them. We have an understanding that everyone needs support, and have figured out there is more than one way to have it in your life consistently.

As for them "dropping their stuff" please don't also assume that all singles have this impressive amount of time on their hands, I am not saying I am new mom busy, but we don't have a partner to split responsibilities with, so yes we do mean it when we say we are busy.

To top that off, if there is a task at work that needs to be done and it passes the "end of the day time" at work, I don't get to run out because I have to pick up kids from daycare (know that this IS TOTALLY LEGIT and I am not putting this reason down) I end up having to stay because there is "no one waiting for me." However, sometimes I do have stuff I wanted/needed to do, but it is never good enough reason, so I stay.  I usually then end up coming home to play "find the cat urine" because my cat is unable to express things verbally and gets pissed off when I am late.

Sex, sex sex. According to TV, we have a LOT of crazy sex with all kinds of different people. That is not being single, that is being promiscuous. We do have the option, but in today's world so do married people (there is even a website dedicated to helping people cheat).

The idea that all singles wants and need to be set up, this one drives me nuts.  It's not that we mind you think we are so amazing we need to share that amazing with someone, it's that you assume we are missing something, like we are not happy, and also it's who you tend to pic for us that is offensive.

It usually starts like this for me, "he's perfect for you, around your age, single, no kids (sounds good to start) and he's a great guy. He is kinda _____ (between jobs, unemployed or in school for the third time) and at times struggles with _____ (mental illness, substance abuse problem or ex issues). He is single and looking and I am setting you up! (at time point my facebook or phone number has usually been given out without my permission, and now I have to tell this guy NO THANKS).

Just because you know someone who is single, does not mean they are right for your single friend. Its like assuming you can set up two gay men because their gay. If you meet someone who is nice, not insane, and fits what you think we like, then set up an event where we can meet this person, in our own time.

There is nothing worse that going out with my married friends to find out last minute "so and so" from wherever will be there so look nice. I don't like the pressure, and I don't like the assumption I am even into dating.

Being single for me anyhow, means that there are times I just don't date. I either can't be bothered, am to busy with other things, or just like my life sans dude. 

Some of us CHOOSE this life, so be aware of that. On that note, one final thing, when you see a single person out and about, and you are playing the catch up game, try to ask about something other than if we are seeing anyone etc.

Ask how my job is going, or how my family has been. As anything, in fact asking about the last time I took a good BM offends me less than "seeing anyone yet?" like I have some obligation.

I don't ask you if you're still having sex in your marriage, so don't ask about my dating life, and for GOODNESS sake, when I do let you know, that I am not seeing anyone, don't do that thing.

You know the thing, where you tilt your head, look at us sadly, and say "someday you'll meet that right person." Don't do that, cause it makes it look like you pity me, and quite frankly if I don't, you'll look mighty foolish wont you?

Single Rider - What's that all aboot?

You're at the fair, and all you want to do, is ride that ferris wheel. You wait in line, hands sweaty with excitement, your ticket turns soggy as you slowly move closer to the ride. Who cares that everyone else wanted to go play games, you came for this ride, and you're doing it.

You approach the front, and hand the carnival employee your ticket, hoping into the car, ready to go! That's when, for some reason, the sweaty large shirtless man who just took your ticket yells out...."Single Rider! We got a SINGLE RIDER here!"

What the heck?! Who said you wanted to ride with anyone? You were happy up until this moment, and now you feel shame. To boot, the entire line up of paired individuals is looking at you like you are a sad person who should be pitied or shot. And that's when the man yells it out again.

SINGLE RIDER. It's what I am all about. I have decided to ride life solo so far, and have felt the joy of doing what I want and the sting of being called out, just like at the damn fair. I say, ride that thing, and don't forget to let the ticket guy know, you don't want a passenger, safety rules be damned!