MOVING HANS SOLO

The greatest adventure in life, is to try it alone. Who said that? I did fuckers. When I was in my mid-twenties, I decided to peace out of this place and move 5000 km away from my friends and family.

I had some time to transition to this new world, as a friend of mine was a mere hour away. I was working at a Provincial Park and became very close to the people I lived and worked with at the park.

As the summer came to an end along with my contract, I decided to get a job in the nearby town and stick around. I was living in Northern Alberta, and I enjoyed how close the wilderness was to me.

I landed a decent job and decided to make a career of it. As the leaves started to fall and the first frost came, I found myself moving out of an almost empty park house into a new city where I knew no one.

The last of the park crew left in November, and suddenly I found myself alone, in an unfurnished apartment and wondering what the FUCK I was thinking. The first night you spend alone in such a place is surreal, much like the first night at summer camp.

You hear strange noises and you miss the comforts of your home almost instantly. In my case, I had but a futon mattress, dishes and clothing and a mini portable dvd player, that is all. I felt as if I was in complete isolation.

I passed my time by watching every available season of The Simpson's and having strange dance parties alone in my kitchen. The first little while was indeed tough to handle. I felt like I was talking to myself way to much and going crazy without the feel of someone else's touch, even if just a hug.

The reason I felt the need to write about this time in my life, is because I was asked by a friend if I had any tips for moving to a new city alone. It brought me back, and I have thought upon some tips I learned along the way.

TIPS FOR MOVING ALONE

GET A HAIRCUT - AND GET A REAL JOB

Getting a job is what kept me in this new area. I was working at a Women's Shelter which meant I was working somewhere I wanted too. I found that important, but I understand not always possible.

Whether it's school, a placement, a minimum wage job or the career of your dreams, get out there and be a part of something full time. This will keep you busy, and around people.

Not only will this deal give you less time to thing about being alone, you will meet people and get more connected to this strange new place.

FIND PUBLIC PLACES TO HANG OUT

If you decide to hide in your dwelling feeling sad for yourself you will be miserable. Find places to go where you will be around other people to avoid crying constantly, or worse, crasturbating because you just can't stop (crying that is).


I always found grocery shopping to be comforting, so I would buy less and go twice a week. There was always lots of interesting people shopping, and I could exchange pleasantries with the cashier. I recommend this, the conversation has no awkward ending because your shit is packed and it's time to go - perfect because you leave feeling fulfilled.

Also works - parks, the library, a pub, the movies, and an active downtown area.

Even if you can't be with people out in these places, doesn't mean it's not nice to be around them. Besides, you've moved to a new place, go check shit out.

MAKE "FOR NOW" FRIENDS

I am not normally one to encourage lowering your standards, but here's the deal, if you meet someone you maybe wouldn't normally hang around with but they seem to want to...go with it.


So what if they are known as the town bicycle, they have a birthmark that makes them look like Hitler or they have an odd obsession with cheese. You can look past these things for now.

It's someone to hang out with and show you around, load up on that shit, just remember not to share to much personal information, and for goodness sake do not apply this rule to dating.

My "for now" friend was a little on the mentally and emotionally unstable side, but for the first bit she made for a great person to hit the bars with (yes, drinking helps with being on your own, but only when you are with at least one other person you "know"). 

PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE - THE FRIEND DATE

How to ask out a potential friend without seeming like you are asking them on a date. Extremely tough if they are either gender (especially when you are confused as a lesbian as often as I am).


This is a tough one, cause let's face it sometimes people get the wrong idea, especially if you ask them out to dinner. My suggestion leads back to the first tip, which is getting a something to do full time.

After the thing that you do, ie work, ask this person if they want to catch a drink or a coffee. Make sure it's not someone you find sexually attractive, as it's just not a good idea to date right away.

The friend date can lead to wonderful things, or a for now friend. Either way, it's an outing you can hopefully enjoy and tell the folks back home about.

SEE THE LOCAL ATTRACTIONS

I don't care if it's the giant beaver attraction in the next town over, go see that shit. While there, take a picture and put it on facebook. You will enjoy showing off where you are, and knowing what people back home think about it.

Secretly, you will also make them jealous. Guess why? They are stuck in the same old place doing the same old thing, which will lose it's comfort when they see the adventure you are having.

So be sure to have 'em. 

LEARN ABOUT YOURSELF - FIND SOME HOBBIES 

Being isolated at times, meant I had time to really think about how I wanted to fill my time. I discovered things I didn't know about myself.


When I was in grade school, I didn't like art. My shit never looked like what it was suppose to and often times I ended up just accidentally gluing shit to myself and loosing points on my overall self esteem.

When I moved alone, and had oodles of time to myself, I started to paint. I was really bored one afternoon and found myself at the dollar store buying random art supplies.

Now, I love to paint. It helps me relax, I enjoy the ideas I can splash on a canvas and it has provided full decoration for my current apartment.

Find what makes you tip, you now officially have the time. 

GET YOURSELF A COMPANION 

For me, this meant flying back from my Christmas vacation with my cat. Once I had her in my life, I felt better. When I came home from work I was greeted with prrs and love, and I could tell at least someone about my day (yeah, it probably looked a little fucked).


Pets provide love, give you a time filler and make being on your own less lonely. If you have no pet option (remember, fish count) then I suggest a plant. Something you can take care of, and give love too.

I had a plant before my cat came to live with me, and his name was Mario.

COME HOME WITH STORIES TO TELL

Don't be a shit head and spend all of your time at work or at home with your six cats, make sure you get out there and do some silly shit. The benefit of moving to a new area alone, is NO ONE KNOWS YOU.

You can suddenly get away with things you just didn't feel comfortable doing in your home town/city/etc. Nobody is going to tell your parents they saw you in the Legalize IT march, you will not run into your ex boyfriend and his wife and kid, and you can get away with smoking in public without the fear of your grandmother catching you (yes this applies even when you are 30).

You can experiment with who you want to be, whether it's to dye your hair bright purple, make out with people at the bar or feel out wearing hammer pants in public. It's a beautiful change to just be you, after all you don't know these people so who gives a fuck.

MEET THE BEST FRIEND YOU EVER COULD

I will sum it up with this last section here. There was a moment when I felt like I was going to be ok, and then there was a later moment when I knew it would be hard to ever leave.


The first moment had an unfortunate start. I had been officially alone in a new city for a month and without any new additions to my apartment, I was feeling very alone. To make matters worse, I came down with a horrible stomach flu.

The degree of this stomach flu was epic, and it pained me to call in to my new job sick, but I had no choice. Before I called, I called my mom, and sobbed to her on the phone about how awful I felt and how lonely I was.

My mom told me after that she almost flew out to be with me, but something changed. I called into work to tell them I was ill, and a placement student answered the phone. I really enjoyed what I knew of her, but she was new in my life.

I started to cry, I couldn't help it. Being sick when alone like that is almost unbearable, and I broke. I told her through sobs that I was very sick and I wouldn't be at work.

She asked me if I needed anything. I paused for a moment, and said, "really?"

I could hear her smile through the phone and she asked if I wanted some ginger ale, and I told her yes. I lived a one minute walk from the shelter (Living close to a your full time gig is a good call at first as well, makes it easy to get comfortable in a new place). She was at my door within twenty minutes, and I greeted her in the front hallway of my apartment building.

I thanked her for coming by, and could feel tears rising again as I stood in front of this almost stranger in my pjs. She looked at me, and said "I moved here alone as well. I know what it's like. If you ever need anything or feel alone, there is a place just down the street full of people who can help."

It lifted a weight off of me I cannot describe. I suddenly felt like I wasn't alone anymore, and I could do it. This moment will come, but you have to give it time.

The moment I knew I would never want to leave, was the night I did a night shift at work with a staff I hadn't worked with yet. I was a bit nervous, as on a night shift it's just you and that other staff.

If they suck balls, your night sucks balls. Within the first twenty minutes of meeting her, I decided she was going to be my new best friend. It was the meeting of a kindred.

We instantly clicked and by the middle of the night were crying from laughter. As the sun came up and I walked home from work that morning, I knew I was going to be at home soon enough.

This amazing woman turned out to be my best in the west. Our friendship is like two kids playing happily in a sandbox (one where both of us have peed and neither cares).

She is a friend I will now have forever, who ended up making my time out there incredible. She is also the friend that asked me for tips, so I wrote a blog.

Although I eventually moved home and had to hug her farewell, she is still with me everyday. She is in my heart and in my mind, and not a day goes by where I don't at least think of her.

This blog is for you Lloyd, so basically the best tip I have is to find a similar me, in your new city. I love you, and I love you so much, that if this new "me" is closer to you or better in any way, I will kill her.

Then assume her identity. Unless it means loosing weight.

I love you, thanks for making my years in Hickton glorious, and good luck in your new adventures. 

LB Plus None

Wedding invitations, fuck em. Guess what soon to be and current marrieds - as singles - we hate getting this shit in the mail. In the time of email and texting it's rare to get a letter addressed to you, and true, when you pull that shit out of the mailbox you are stoked.

That is, until you see the front. The part where it says "Your Name plus Guest." Fucking guest right? You can already feel your brain searching for a potential date, and no one comes to mind. It's maddening, and it makes you feel like a lonely piece of crap (no matter how full your life seems).

I always had a back up for weddings, a friend of mine I have known for years who has been my constant date. He's perfect for it. He's a great friend of mine, we laugh together, he dances, and he knows my entire family since he's essentially a part of it (long time family friends). I will say that I never experienced too much anxiety because I knew I was single, but covered.

I could save the sad choke back of lonely tears for the wedding ceremony alone and I would be good otherwise. Things changed, the day I got his wedding invitation in the mail.

The wedding invitation, was not sent to my apartment, despite the fact that I moved out almost a decade ago. The wedding invitation did not have a plus guest, in fact the invitation was addressed to my parents plus me.

That's right folks, I am the plus one, and I have plus none.

The sad part of it, is that this now meant the last TWO weddings I've been invited to (in a list of many) there was no plus one. Prior to this my friends sent me an invitation for a wedding out of town for just me.

I guess I am so chronically fucking single the people in my life don't even bother to place a date option for me. I am the poster woman for dateless. I am the embodiment of Bridget Jones, and here I stand, alone, just like the cheese.

I was unable to make the first dateless invite, but indeed I attended the wedding of my long time wedding date.

My father was ill that day, and so my mother let me know not to worry, she would be my date. So now I've gone from plus one status to backup plan or pity date, fuckin eh.

We were not seated together and within the first ten minutes I found myself standing alone in a wedding hall full of couples. Couples and me. Just like the invite. 

I am not sure if you have ever experienced the feeling of complete loneliness, but at that particular moment, I felt it, and I felt it deep. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes, I could feel my throat closing in and was sure my nose was already red in anticipation.

I stood there, motionless in my party dress and high heels, completely alone. That's when I saw him, across the room. He was there, on his own, and now was my chance.

I walked as fast as I could in shoes I never wear, and found myself face to face with him in the back corner of the hall.

With no hesitation, it came out so easy. "I'll have a white wine, and can you just fill that shit up to the top so I don't have to come back as much?"

He smiled.

From then on, my night was great. So thank you, to the bartender, who didn't judge my binge drinking to escape my sadness.