Did he just fart? Did he seriously just let out a silent bomb in the car, and say nothing, as though I would not notice? Can he not smell that? Is he hard of smelling? Does he expect me to think it wasn't him, meaning that it must have been me? It was a first date fart that I could have done without.
I haven't been on a good date in a long while. In fact, I haven't been on a date period in a long ass time, years even. I am not sure what a successful date looks or feels like, it's simply been to long. I can't provide any advice on the how to's of dating, so instead I am going to try something different.
These are not ideas I have simply plucked out of my head, they are indeed things I have witnessed, done or heard about that have happened on dates. Here is my list, of DO NOT DO'S.
DON'T
Fart, as mentioned prior. If you feel a fart brewing on a first date, I suggest you figure out an exit strategy. Either relieve yourself for a moment, hold that shit tight if you can't, and if you have no choice but to let er rip, admit it after the fact.
I dated a guy who ripped a wicked foul silent mushroom cloud in his fancy leather interior car and say nothing about it. He didn't even roll down the window, he just went on as though it never happened.
I could sense his panic, and I could taste his fart.
Just don't do it.
DON'T
Show up in track pants. I love track pants as much as the next gal, they are easy access after all....but on a first date - what the fuck are you thinking?! No one should have any reason for this, none.
Is it laundry day? I am sure you knew you had a date, giving you time to launder a pair of non track pants. Did you just play some form of sport or work out? Then why the heck didn't you shower and change after, it's a first date shit for brains. Are track pants the only pants you own? I am not materialistic, but come on!
No - good - reason.
I've dated this guy also, and what's worse, he didn't just wear track pants....
.....he tucked his shirt into them.
No, I didn't have sex with him.
DON'T
Get shit faced. No brainer right? Wrong. I am a smart lady, and I just got a bit carried away with the pints of brew...and forgot the fact I don't drink all that much.
Is a drunk rambling chain smoking lass a good catch? Apparently not.
There was no date number two...I totally get why. I should have mixed in some water, ate more for dinner, or skipped the whole thing altogether, because even now I cringe at the thought of the hot mess I must have been (just, less hot and more pukey).
Don't get piss tanked, not on the first date.
Also, don't get wasted a few months later celebrating St.Patty's Day and run into the guy, then rant about how he didn't call you while spilling your beer and slurring your words.
BEER - TWO L.B. - ZERO.
DON'T
Destroy the restaurant. Try to keep the dishes in tack and on the table, along with the table cloth. My mother (yes, she dated once) went out to a nice Italian restaurant with a young suitor.
It happens, and it's not a full don't, but his fly was down. When informed of this, he was quick to the draw, a little to quick. No he didn't zip his member into the pants al la Something About Mary, instead, he zipped in the table cloth.
What's worse, he didn't notice. Mid meal he excused himself to the washroom, and upon getting up and walking took the contents of the table with him.
This young man, is not my father.
DON'T
Talk about your ex. While on this topic, please don't also talk about how amazing she was, how much you miss her, and how great she looked. Please don't go on to mention her awesome rack, while showing a picture of a bare chested ex-girlfriend on your phone.
I never thought I would have to make a request to not do this, but he did it.
She did have nice boobs, I will admit to that.
DON'T
Show up, if you are anything less that what I am looking for in a partner. Why? I simply don't have the time anymore.
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